Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Official Ass of #PitchWars

Remember that part in Shrek where Donkey jumps up and down screaming, "Pick me! Pick me!"? No? Well, here's a refresher for you:

I feel like poor Donkey. A single ass among thousands jumping up and down, waving my arms, screaming and shouting: PICK ME!

I'm going to guess that won't get me anywhere. *sigh*

When being obnoxious fails, (and it fails often, trust me) I fall back on my ability to reason logically. So, here are the top 5 reasons why YOU should PICK ME to be your mentee.

5.  I will be your bitch.

Yes, you read that correctly. I will be so damn grateful and excited to be picked that I will be your bitch. You want me to fetch you coffee and scones? Done. You want me to read a dissertation about the reproductive cycle of slugs and write a synopsis of it? Done. You want me to troll Twitter and spy on the other teams? Done. You want me to post embarrassing pictures of myself for your amusement? Done.

You name it. I'll do it.

(Disclaimer: This offer is reserved specifically for the mentor who chooses me.) 

4.  I'm an editing freak.

I mentioned this on my Mentee Bio, but it bears repeating.


I love getting them, reading them, doing them. I love having someone else read my work, point out its weaknesses, and then work with me to rebuild it. Sure, edits can be tough sometimes, but I 100%, wholeheartedly believe in the editing process.

If you pick me, I will work my ass off until my manuscript is as great as it can be.

3.  Good Cop. Bad Cop.

Confession time: I suck at talking smack.

Sorry, but I do. However, I'm VERY good at being nice to people. It just comes naturally to me. So, during #PitchWars, I can go about being nice to everyone and then my mentor can sneak up and smack talk the crap out of our competition! They'll never see us coming. It'll be like playing Good Cop, Bad Cop.

(Side note: I'm not implying that my future mentor isn't nice. I know better than that. I'm simply acknowledging that my mentor will have certain skills that I do not possess. Any good partnerships works off of each other's strengths right?)

2.  I'm a ton of fun!

Seriously. I have a fantastic sense of humor. I wouldn't have survived my childhood otherwise.

Example: When I was a teen and I went on my first date -- which was actually just a bunch of us getting together to go to a movie, but a boy I really liked was picking me up at my house therefore it was a real date to me -- my father stood at the front door and watched, like any good father would, as I walked to the van with said boy. Just as we got the side door open, my father yelled: "Bring her back a virgin!"

True story.

It takes a lot to offend me. (Translation: You have carte blanche to say anything to me in jest and I will laugh. Guaranteed!)

1. I'm an ass.
There. I said it.

Yesterday when I was obsessing over perfecting my non-creepy, non-stalkerish personalized mentor queries, I completely forgot to include my email address or any social media links.

So any mentors who get a letter without that information, it was me.

Yup.  #EpicFail

Sure, it's embarrassing, and sure I'm worried that this might affect my chances at getting picked, but, I think this says something important about me: I'm not afraid to admit when I've made a mistake. I can own it. Fix it. Learn from it.

And isn't that what every mentor wants? A mentee who will learn from this process?